Tag Archives: losing my mind

Back in Action

I haven’t been around lately. Brew Review got off to an awesome start and then fizzled as a result of complete slacking (both in drinking new beers and writing). I have about 12 half-finished posts but can’t seem to find the words to conclude them.

My life is weird lately. Or it always is, but the weirdness and complexities and lack of direction have been much easier for me to see lately. Either way, it seems like just when I think things are going the way I’d like or I’m getting into a routine things immediately change or I unconsciously self-sabotage whatever thing I’ve been building. Like my latest foray into running, I’ve run more (and longer) races this year than I ever have before but I haven’t run in almost 3 weeks at this point and can’t convince myself that I should. And then there’s this space, which I felt like I was getting a real handle on and ready to take it to the next level with weekly features and more posts and possibly self-hosting and cool designs and whatnot, and then didn’t write for more than two months.

A lot of times I feel like writing but more times than not I convince myself that I don’t have time right now or I should be going to bed or working or doing dishes or that if I stare at a computer screen for another 20 minutes today, I might lose my vision or my mind.

But here I am deciding to be back. Deciding that it’s the right thing to do for my sanity and my career and myself. Deciding to make this space better and to create time for it. Doni’s latest newsletter has inspired me to make writing and posting and sharing things that I have to say a priority. And to make it easier for myself to write whenever I can.

And that’s where you come in, not only do I want to write more here, but anywhere. Not only do I want to do social media and web content for fun and as a part of my job, I want to do it as my whole job or my side gig or my volunteer position because this is where I think I’m headed, although I know the universe finds plans (especially mine) utterly hilarious.

Regardless, this is me putting it out there on the internet (like my favorite wizard-panda Amber recommends) that anyone who wants this kind of help or needs an unpaid intern or a volunteer or a guest post or just someone to send crazy emails to or knows anyone that does, then let me know.

What have I been doing since July, you ask? Let’s see, infused some bourbon, went to San Diego, drank a habanero IPA, ate a lot of Pizza Port, found out how many craft breweries exist in San Diego and decided I never wanted to leave, came home anyway, pined for living near the ocean and riding a beach cruiser again, got a promotion-ish, hired an employee, ate all the wrong things, continued to wish I lived somewhere else, drank a lot of whiskey, ran a couple 10k races and kicked off our nine-month busy season at work.

So basically, nothing of note unless you count the part where my new favorite beers are any beers made with hot peppers. Or maybe the part where I might have a drinking problem.

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Checking In

So, I have about 10 partially completed drafts on here but I have just not had the time or interest to write after doing it all day at work lately. This is not a good sign and it kind of makes me irritated with myself. Regardless, I just want to check in because the weather is getting warmer, we’re only 29 (TWENTY-NINE!) days until Bloggers in Sin City (can you tell I’m starting to get excited?) and tonight my weird life continued and I’m feeling inspired.

Lately I’ve been trying to work on me. Mainly, working with Molly at Stratejoy and the rest of the AWESOME Tuesday Find Your Passion Work group to figure out what my next step might be. I’m finding out so much about myself and can’t wait to figure out what it means about my passion work. Things have also gotten complicated at work and pretty soon I’m going to be forced to figure out if I’m going to stay there with some changes happening or just take the leap and try to change careers. So basically I’m excited and anxious and restless all at the same time.

In other news, the weather is starting to warm up and you can smell summer in the air. My friend Jamie once said to me, “Summer is your season. I can tell, you’re just so happy.” For me summer is the time for adventures, barbecues, sunshine, slow season at work, the beach, day drinking, bare feet, music, free time and roadtrips. It truly is my season and as I continue this work I’ve been doing with my Stratejoy group, I’m starting to realize it might be hard for me to tell the difference between work being better and the season making me happy.

For some reason (likely The Nicole Effect), I realized about a month ago that I’m signed up to RUN two races next week. On Sunday, Anna and I are taking on our first 10k and then Thursday I FINALLY get to meet my first fellow BiSC-uit when Katherine, Anna and I run (walk?) a 5k at Sac State. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost it. Relatedly, Anna and I have gotten so busy at work over the last two weeks we’ve run a combined three(?) times, so basically, we’re ready. In the end, we figure we’re always lapping the people on the couch and also we’re all for setting the bar reeeeeeeeeal low for the future.

Speaking of being fit, tonight Anna and I took my roommate out to dinner for her birthday. Since the soul food (read: fried) place was closed, we opted for the only other option: the mac & cheese restaurant (seriously, everyone please come to Oakland and eat mac & cheese with us at Homeroom). While there, we managed to get the most attractive server in the place (who was also wearing a Sons of Anarchy t-shirt) and basically drooled all over him the entire time. Then, when we got the check, I realized we had been wrong and the server WAS, in fact, the same server who we gave my number to about a year ago. He also WAS the same guy who actually did text me and later call me to hang out. And he WAS the guy who invited me to a Punks vs. Hipsters Fight Night (read: BEST) at a local motorcycle club, but, not wanting to go meet a stranger alone, I declined. Despite all of these realizations, Anna decided he probably didn’t remember me either and left a note and my number for him AGAIN. Basically, my friends really are the best, so I’ll keep everyone posted on that one.

Last thing I’ll report is that we’re going to see Childish Gambino for the second time in a year tomorrow night. Among the many reasons that I’m excited about this: Childish Gambino is fucking clever, I’d like to have his babies, the Fox Theater is awesome and I have plans after work two nights in a row. Clearly summer is in the air y’all.

So, what have you been up to? What are you excited about? Do you LOVE summer as much as I do?

Kelly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Mood

I’ve been in a bad mood for at least a week. A mood that makes me want to just quit everything and crawl in my bed and just sleep for days until it goes away. At what point do we stop calling it a bad mood and start calling it a state of mind?

Regardless of semantics, this bad mood, bad state of mind, bad attitude is wreaking havoc on my life (and making the people around me crazy, I think). I’m not sure what really got it rolling (although I have a sneaking suspicion  that my job is not helping) but it’s causing me to sit around being pissed off, getting irritated about the smallest things and becoming envious of other people (something I HATE to do). And while I’m doing that I’m letting opportunities pass me by because of my total disinterest in everything.

The problem isn’t really the bad mood anymore (although that is still A problem), it’s that I know I’m in a bad mood and can’t figure out how to fix it. I’ve been running, listening to my pick-me-up tunes, writing, sleeping, thinking, trying to do all the things that usually help, and have come up short.

Despite the fact that my mouth doesn’t naturally form a smile (which causes people to say things like “do you need a hug?” a lot) when I’m not actively smiling, I am generally a positive person. A fun person at least. And yet, here I am stuck in the worst mood and unable to find myself. Stuck being envious of other people. Stuck being the friend who is constantly complaining about work. Stuck showing up to work late because I’m not sleeping or sleeping only when I shouldn’t be. All of which just piss me off even more. I know I have to kick this funk because if I don’t I might end up missing out on something crucial, driving my friends to drink (not too difficult) or possibly eating cereal for dinner for the rest of my life.

How do you get out of an extended bad mood? What are your go-to cheer up moves? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Short of that, maybe just send me some coupons for cereal.

PS- This was supposed to be the day I posted the first of what will be a weekly post coming from Doniree’s 52 Weeks of Blogging Prompts, but I never finished it because I’ve been so disinterested. Anyway, expect that tomorrow and then every Wednesday for the next YEAR, because Doni rules.

My B.A. in Kicking Ass

You know what I’ve been doing almost non-stop for the last four days? Working. Getting up at the buttcrack of dawn. Covering for coworkers. Running around like a crazy person. Existing off of sheer willpower.

And other than my sun kissed cheeks, extra freckles, sleep deprivation and neck stiffness, what have I gotten out of this all? An even more exaggerated sense of self confidence and awesomeness, that’s what.

On Saturday I covered and wrote about 2 baseball games, 2 softball games, a golf tournament, a track meet and a water polo game. Oh yeah and I ran a 5k. But instead of being just utterly pissed that my job continues to prevent me from doing things I love: having a social life, drinking beer, being active, seeing my family, sleeping and blogging, this weekend actually just further proved to me that I can do anything.

So here I am ready to fucking kick ass and take names. That new skill I want to learn? I’m going to go and figure it out. My changes for this month (that I haven’t had a chance to write about)? I’m going to make them habits. Those things I’ve been letting bother me? I’m going to get over them.

Sure “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” but why not “what doesn’t kill you, makes you better”? It’s about time I stopped complaining and started seeing the positive in all the bullshit I’ve been digging through lately.

I’m Probably Losing My Mind

Originally this post took a serious “woe is me” tone about how shitty 2012 has been so far and how I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. But then something changed and I’m ready to kick 2012 in the ass and possibly also pay attention to my desktop background that stares me in the face every day on BOTH my computers: “Happiness is a choice. Be happy or be miserable. The distance is the same.” (thanks Shatterboxx!)

I’m not saying I’m all happy sunshine and puppies and meadows and rainbows and unicorns yet. So far 2012 has been kind of a bitch to me. I know this is all very “first world problems” of me but, so far the new year has been: getting yelled at like a child in the workplace, being pulled back into the cruel grips of insomnia, laying in a ball on my bed due to some serious stomach distress, dragging myself to work and a lingering cough rearing its ugly head every time I laugh.

Oh yeah, and then there’s the mouse. If you’ve been following along on twitter, there’s a mouse in our apartment. I’ve set out traps now after meeting the mouse twice yesterday. It’s been over 24 hours and we have no dead rodents. Now I’m starting to think that the mouse might be a figment of my imagination. My roommate hasn’t been here when I’ve seen it, it seemed to vanish into thin air in my kitchen yesterday and also, did you hear, it’s NOT. DEAD. YET. So in addition to my other problems, I may be going all John Nash on y’all. And unfortunately the state’s budget shortfall has been closing down all the best mental wards.

UPDATE: I am not crazy. Or at least, there was a mouse. In the trap this morning. Unfortunately, I didn’t really think about how the implications of me not being crazy would be that I would have to deal with a dead mouse instead of hallucinations. But, after a slightly traumatizing removal experience, I have conquered the mouse and solidified my future as a building super.

I swear I had a point. Oh yeah, even though the first three two weeks of this year (only two weeks? WHAT?) have been basically one shitstorm after another, I’ve decided to move on. Even though the last few weeks have seemed like a dark tunnel with no end and a weird smell, I’ve now got a plan. Or part of a plan.

Anna and I are ready to make some moves and get off the fatass train (the one where you start to look like your couch) and actually signed up for some races today. We’ve got a training plan, an investment in a race and we’re ready to Kick Ass and Take Names. It’s a proper noun because that’s the name of our shared training calendar (not crazy).

So yeah, I’ve started to get one part of my life back under control and I’m ready to get all the other things back together. It’s easy for just a couple people to remind you that things aren’t so bad and that they will get better (another reason why the internet is so, so amazing). On a related note, seriously consider becoming an organ donor, it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give.

So, here I am, ready to climb out of the shithole and into the light of the kickass year that 2012 is going to be. Progress, that’s my word. So it’s about time to get started, don’t you think?