The One with the Submissive Male

We all know going into online dating that no matter how smart, funny, attractive or wealthy you are, we will at some point be messaged/harassed by someone we think is weird, dumb or possibly a sociopath. This is nothing new. And despite the potential for awkward messages, large numbers of winking emoticons and being stood up at a dive bar, we remain active on the sites and aim to be the next commercial and not the main character in “The Face in the Profile Picture” (a Lifetime original, obviously).

At some point, though, you’ve got to take a look at what kind of responses you’re getting and analyze your life share the ridiculousness with ALL of the internet. Without further ado, some of my favorites:

New message: “Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” That guy.

The guy who calls you and talks at you for an hour. He doesn’t have a car and doesn’t live in a city. He says that watching the movie “Suckerpunch” made him feel like a pedophile. He wants to go to a lake on your first date. Then he doesn’t answer when it’s time for you to meet up. Four weeks later he sends your friend the same message he originally sent you.

The Irish guy who is moving to Montreal to become a professional wrestler. He also seems to think the point of online dating is to make it just as uncomfortable and awkward as meeting people in real life. Someone should really let him know that if a girl doesn’t respond to his first OR second message, she’s not interested. Asking her to reply and say she’s not interested is exactly the thing she was looking to avoid in person.

The boy you didn’t meet online who tells you about the time he took a date on a bus across the city to meet his drug dealer. He also tells you that if he were to take you to his dealer’s place, the ladies of the night outside would probably think you were highfalutin and they would want to touch your “good hair.”

And the latest, a “submissive guy” who’s looking for a “dominatrix-type” girl. The upside: he thinks I’m “hot as hell :)” and I can probably be really mean to him. The downside: I’m pretty sure complete klutzes aren’t allowed near whips, handcuffs or pleather. Plus, I don’t have any desire to run into my goth cousin at the S&M Convention.

Moral of the story: all my smiling, goofy photos on my profile make me look like I might be handy with a whip, never trust anyone who mentions the word “pedophile” and wants to go to a lake and last but most important, I’ve got “good hair.”


One thought on “The One with the Submissive Male

  1. Pingback: 2011: The Laziest Retrospective Ever | peanut butter KELLY time

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